Guest Article

FROM BADBAD TO KUSHWAIT part quatre

FROM BADBAD TO KUSHWAIT part quatre

We continue with ACT 4: THE UISA

Previous installments can be found at http://www.ttidbits.com - Back Issues 944,945,946

From Badbad to Kushwait

A Contemporary Purim Saga as reported by chronicler Ffaya Zang Yaffa Ganz 1990
In the Great Convention Hall of the Holy City of Jerusalem, the United Isforeal Assembly convened. Multichai had invited the luminaries of the nation. In the hour of need, they came - from far and near, across mountains and oceans and deserts. The Rabbis and Rebbes; the Blacks and the Whites; bearded and clean-shaven; the Knitted Ones, Those Who Wear Gabardine, and the Furlined. Students, soldiers, civilians. Young and old, light and dark, short and tall, thin and stout. Everyone was there including the Women of Isforeal. Their luxurious galleries were filled to capacity. It was a stirring sight.
At the head of the dais Multichai sat under a huge, colored UJA banner, his face still covered. Finally, he arose, pulled his kaffiya aside, and spoke for the first time in days.
“All Jews are one - brothers and sisters of our holy Patriarchs and Matriarchs,” he said, “and when we remember that we are one, there is peace. And when there is peace amongst brothers, our G-d, who is called “Peace”, cannot help but answer our prayers. As we sit here together, shevet achim gam yachad, let us ask Him to save our people.
“Achashdinejad thinks there is a mysterious maiden called Eshtamir who holds the secret to his oil, but he is wrong. There are millions of Eshtamirs, each as righteous and modest and precious as the next. Not one of them can make the oil of Kushwait flow. Only G-d Al-mighty can do that. Yet each Eshtamir is part of the secret of Isforeal’s strength and promise.
“Let us pray that Achashdinejad and all the evil he represents, is removed from the world, and that a better future awaits us. Let us pray that David’s seed returns to the Holy City to rule in peace and righteousness forever.”
Petunia, who had been allowed in to witness the proceedings from behind a guarded, diplomatic mechitza, nodded his head in agreement. Some say he wiped a tear from his eye and whispered Amen.
ACT 5: MAKAH
Far away in the city of Makah, an unsuspecting Scottish journalist by the name of McKane had joined ITL-TV crew. Well known for their objective, unbiased reporting, International Trash Line TV was on location to record Achashdinejad’s great pitch for peace.
“McKane!” called one of the reporters.
“McKane? Kayn? Kahn? Kohen?” rumbled through the crowd. The Slamites stirred from their prayer and looked around. A kohen? Here? In Makah? They shook their heads unbelievingly and frowned. It was a desecration of holy Slamic soil! No Kohens were allowed in Makah. In the flick of a shutter, bedlam broke out. People were pushed and shoved as the crowds tried to get a glimpse of the Kohen. They started to shout and chant Allah Achbar! Itbach el Kohenin! Allah is great! Death to all the Kohens! Television crews were beaten, equipment smashed. Attempting to regain control, Achashdinejad made the mistake of his life. He entered the crowd. Whether out of adoration or treachery, he was instantly crushed in the rampaging mobs and returned his soul to Allah as a holy shaheed.
In the end, it was all they could do to restore some semblance of order and separate the wounded from the dead. Achashdinejad’s minyan was no more.  Lozleban was one of the few still alive. At the last minute, he had been left behind, his plane “borrowed” by Iwreck and Yourun.
“Poor me”, he said in a daze. “How will I ever manage my affairs without the constant protection and loving care of my cousins Iwreck and Yourun? Even Tzoridan and Allergica are gone. Perhaps Isforeal will send me some humanitairan aid”...

ACT 6: A HAPPY END FOR ALL
“It’s always the same story”, said Multichai. “He who lives by evil and violence, dies by it in the end. They never learn.”
And in the end, the world changed beyond recognition. Oil ceased to flow in the East. It remained buried deep in the ground. The Crussian Jews in Isforeal perfected wonderful electric cars which ran on solar energy and transported people all over the world. All the sons of Arobber left the Land of Isforeal and moved to Badbad. Housing and land were left empty and real estate plunged, but not for long. Ameryidians began buying up everything in sight. Everything that was left after all the Crussians were settled, that is.
The Ingathering gathered impetus. Plane tickets tripled in price, if you could get one. Scores of planes landed daily at Isforeal’s Great International Airport. People streamed out across the Land - from North to South, from the Ocean on the West, to the River on the East, they filled the Land. The Crussians, experienced in immigration procedures, formed welcoming committees to help the newcomers in their first difficult weeks, and the gutteral sound of Hebrew was mixed with soft Anglo-Saxon “rrr’s” and liquid Crussian “lll’s”. It was all you could do to pick out an authentic Isforeal accent.
Then came the great day everyone was waiting for. Amidst bringing of gifts of food, and much charity for the poor, amidst much light and gladness, honor and joy, the Isforeals began the great pilgrimage up to the magnificent, newly rebuilt Temple Mount.
“It’s been a long wait,” sighed Multichai, “but it was worth every minute.”
However, it was Achashdinejad’s son, Achashdumb the Wise - who had the last word.
“Dear Multichai,” he wrote…
Now that the Ameridian elections are over and Oiybama is getting his act together, it looks like we may be in for a slight slow down here in the Middle East. To tell you the truth, without my old advisor Hamin Houmaini bin Malek (do you remember him? He had an unfortunate accident). I am in a bit of a loss. I spoke to Lozleban and he suggested setting up a scrap business - you know, the kind many Jewish grandfathers started with a few generations back. He says there’s a fortune in scrap metal from rockets and tanks and other outdated ammunition plus mountains of aluminun coke cans left by the American forces littering the Middle East. What with all the ecological concerns nowadays, we might as well collect the stuff and send it to Isforeal. Maybe you can find a way to recycle it into those cute electric cars you’re making. I hear they’re really doing a booming business.
As nations who share a common goal and concern for democracy and a special, historical relationship, we’d be pleased to do a little business with you. What are the chances of our receiving Favored Nation Status in the International Isformarket? Heaven knows, we could use it. Looking forward to hearing from you and if you ever need an extra for a minyan, just let me know. Best wishes in your new Temple.
Your newfound ally and servant,
Achashdumb the Wise, son of Achashdinejad the Great
Ruler of the (somewhat reduced) Kingdom of Shuran

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